Home Planet - Employee Handbook
The Way We Are
If you want an idea of what we’re all about, check out our Employee Handbook here. We’ve boldly gone where no HR person has gone before!
Employee Handbook:
Welcome. You have now entered the orbit of Rocket Science Marketing Labs, Inc. In order that we may mold you into the drone…er, successful employee that we know you can be, we have put together this brief handbook to help guide you on your mission.
In general, you will be expected to act like a human being. Alien imitations are OK, but you must be capable of coming back to earth when necessary.
Don’t do anything stupid, and you’ll be just fine. This means that you cannot walk out of the office with 23 pounds of office supplies under your arm and explain that you’re just borrowing them. This means that you will treat the office, its contents and its inhabitants with respect – no graffiti, no paintball, no playing with the science stuff, no hitting on the receptionist, no bringing your dog to work, no spending hours on the phone discussing how stupid your place of employment is. We frown upon all of those. And you don’t want to see us frown… believe me.
At all times, Marc and Carrie will be treated as the gods they are. While you do not have to bow each and every time they enter the room, their word is law. Clients are also gods until they are demoted to demi-gods and should be worshipped at all times. If you disobey the gods, you will be the one that cleans the Tesla Coil. Try to roll when you land – you’ll break fewer bones that way.
Clients. Our clients are the entire reason you will receive a paycheck and enjoy the privilege of working here. They are to be treated with respect at all times. Client service is what we do – so client phone calls and emails will be returned promptly; client needs will be met promptly and cheerfully; each client will get our best effort – and more – at all times. If you have an issue with the client, you must come to Marc or Carrie to discuss it. Immediately.
Dress code. You should be dressed when in the office – and we mean dressed in normal clothes during business hours. Whatever you wear on your own time is your business – unless the press gets wind of it and you wind up in the National Enquirer. That may be grounds for dismissal, unless the photo is really funny.
Your waist – if you have one (at least on the human form you are using at the office) is where the top of your pants should be, and possibly held there by a belt. If you wear a dress – please, only wear a dress if you are a female – be sure it extends to a decent length below, and above, your waist. While those minidresses were cool in the old Star Trek, they are not appropriate for this century.
Sexual Harrassment. Don’t. If you are found guilty of harassing another employee, you will sit in the cold room until we decide you are over yourself. On the other hand, you will also be expected to have a sense of humor. If you can’t handle an occasional dirty joke or racy comment, this probably isn’t the place for you.
Failure to follow these rules and use your common sense – or that of someone smarter than you (see the reference to Marc and Carrie, above), may be cause to eject you out of an airlock.
Cleanliness. Hygiene is not what you say when Eugene passes by, it is regular bathing of the entire exterior of the body you’re wearing, the brushing of all your teeth or the ones you've borrowed and it's the regular washing of all the articles of clothing you wear. Hygiene is also the courtesy not to wear too much cologne or perfume. Either case can make humans consider you as pleasant as skunky beer and avoid you at all cost and you may find your desk is now in the cold room - next stop - the air lock!
Parking. If you’re referring to what you do with a car, there is parking available – and it’s free. Unless we decide that we need more money to pay for beer, then you’ll have to pay. If you’re referring to what goes on in the back of a car in a dark place at night, you’re on your own. This isn’t a dating service, buster!
Insurance and Benefits. We will insure that you will enjoy working here. It will benefit both you and us if it all works out. Otherwise, nope and nope – don’t have either one.
Employee Termination. Yes, we can fire you. No, you cannot fire us. ‘nuff said.
If you choose to leave. Well, sigh…we can’t stop you. And frankly, if you aren’t having the time of your life working for us and want to leave, we wish you luck. Seriously. But if you don’t give us at least two weeks’ notice, we will hunt you down at your next job, sit outside your office and make up stories to tell your new coworkers. And we make up really good stories.